Jephtah, What a Treasure Hadst Thou!
Welcome back to Bible School, sickos.
Thomas Jefferson, inventor of the swivel chair, famously edited the New Testament down to just nice things that Jesus said while removing any fun. We’ve been doing something similar here, except it’s the Hebrew Bible and we’re only doing the weird stuff.
And, fair warning: from here on out we’re going in order, and it’s going to get weirder.
I’ve told you about Adam and Eve, Sodom and Gamorah, Judah and Tamar, Datan and Aviram, all stories drawn from the Five Books of the Torah. Then we talked about beautiful Rahab, drawn from The Book of Joshua.
Well, next up after Joshua is Judges, and that’s where we are now. And I’ve got a real twisted story for you today. It starts bad, gets better, then gets worse in jiffy. Gear up for Yiftach—“Jephtah” in English—a man even Hamlet pitied.
Hamlet. 'O Jeptha, Judge of Israel,' what a treasure hadst thou!
Polonius. What a treasure had he, my Lord?
Hamlet. Why, 'One faire daughter and no more, The which he loved passing well.'
Yiftach’s father was Gilead, or maybe he was just from Gilead, the place. Maybe the place was named after the guy? Look, I don’t know. Either way, his father was Gilead, he was from Gilead, and his mother was a prostitute.
One day, when Yiftach was of age, his brothers met him out in the fields. Yiftach, they said, it’s time for you to go. Our mutual Dad isn’t getting any younger, but your mom was a harlot and, as such, you’re certainly not getting anywhere near the Gileadite inheritance. Sorry—but scram.
So, Yiftach ran off into the hills of Gilead (the place) and, soon enough, turned to thievery and violence.
He was, it seems, good at this stuff. Ruthless. Charismatic. Good enough that he amassed possessions, weapons, even his own crew of highwaymen. Thick as thieves, the saying goes, if not quite as thick as blood, but what can you do? Besides, he had his own family now: a wife and one child, a daughter.
I suppose it’s important to mention the context here. This is pre-monarchy, when the power of Israel was present but diffuse like a disassembled gun. Gilead was subject to attacks from the neighboring Ammonites. They needed a judge, i.e. a thug, someone who could lead men and kick Ammonite ass. Where could such a thug be found?
The tribal elders approach Yiftach with a proposal. Would you lead the people in battle against Amon, to defend our territory and reclaim the land for Gilead?
Yiftach and his crew are chuckling. Go on, Yiftach says through gritted teeth. Tell me what I get if I do.
If you were to do this and emerge victorious, then you’ll be in charge. Judge. Leader. Almost a king. You’ll be head of Gilead.
Hmm, says Yiftach, stroking his beard. Would I also be in charge of my brothers?
They nod. Especially in charge of your brothers.
Swear on it, Yiftach tells them, getting real close to their faces. Right now, I want you to swear to God that you’ll do this for me.
And thus Yiftach the son of a harlot, leader of crooks, and father of one, became commander of the Gileadite forces, perhaps leader of them all if he could defeat the Ammonites in battle, which he absolutely could and would do. Don’t you love a happy ending?
Not so fast.
Yiftach stands at the head of the forces of Gilead. They are marching into battle. He has greatness on his mind, for couldn’t this be the beginning of greatness? Of royal greatness? It’s possible. Heroes of Israel often have humble origins. Act, and so it shall be.
Yiftach holds up a hand, then falls to his knee, and directs himself to YHWH. Oh God, he says, deliver the Ammonites into our hands. We will squeeze their necks and make their lungs pop. If you do that for us, I’ll make you a deal. I will sacrifice the very first thing to come out of my house.
Yiftach’s men start squirming.
Oh yeah, he continues, my house is full of animals. Goats, cows, rams, ibex. You like sacrifices, don’t you? That’s what they all say, YHWH loves roasted meat. And that’s what I’ll get you, whatever poor creature comes out first from my home will be slaughtered and burnt for you, a nice pleasing offering.
His men nervously mouth the words STOP and TAKE IT BACK to him. He pays no mind, and goes on.
No no, Yiftach says, I am serious: the very first thing I see is gonna get whacked and roasted. That’s how we’ll do it. And everyone heard me say this, right? So YHWH you can be sure that I’ll do it. For I am leader of these people, practically a king, and my word is solid.
And now, he says, let’s fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!
They charge into battle and YHWH, who likes a joke as much as the next god, makes them absolutely and stunningly victorious over Amon. Much Amon, very dead. And the returning Israelites are in a fantastic mood, and in particular Yiftach is flying high. He marches home, sword clattering, singing songs with his men, drunk on victory, when…
Father!, says his one and only daughter, barging out the front door. You return!
The poor thing, she’s skipping out to him. There is a garland in her hair. She is carrying a hand drum.
They say you were victorious in battle! Listen, I wrote this song for you! And for all the other brave men! I play it on the hand drum! The hand drum you gave me! The first verse is all about lung popping! She runs and embraces her father with a love that is both true and sincere.
How are you feeling about that happy ending?
Yiftach explains the situation to his daughter. His daughter collapses into a heap of tears. They cry and cry, crying until the tears soak into the head of her drum and the drumhead becomes warped and torn.
What they decide is this: she will go away for two months. She will travel with her companions, her friends, and together they will climb the hills of Gilead. And for two months they do this: climbing hills, crying at night, lamenting the life she is unable to live, bewailing her maidenhood.
I mean, seriously, this is exactly what happens. Look it up, Judges 11:38.
After two months his daughter returns home. Yiftach, truly one of the dumbest people in the entire Bible, King of Unforced Errors, slaughters and offers her burnt remains to YHWH, and really, really, don’t think about the mechanics of any of this. I mean, seriously, do not think too hard about any of this. Sheesh.
And, the Bible concludes, it became a custom for Israelite girls to make an annual visit to the hills of Gilead to “chant dirges” for Yiftach’s daughter, thus proving that Jewish girls were goth before goths were goth.
And Yiftach was judge in Israel for just six years, and he died and was buried in the hills of Gilead, a man who had it all but threw it away.
Love the way you weave this tale!
If only Netanyahu was held to this... his son is a total piece of shit.