Rahab, Prostitute of Jericho
A tale from the Book of Joshua, tastefully retold
Joshua fought the battle of Jericho. Jericho. Jericho. Joshua fought the battle of Jericho, and the walls came tumblin’ down.
Sure they did. But did you remember the part about the prostitute?
When I learned this story in 7th Grade, my teacher told us that “Rahab the Zonah,” the woman who features prominently in the Jericho conquest, was an innkeeper. This is based on a rabbinic suggestion that zonah is related to the word for food and nourishment, mazon.
It's also sort of a joke, I assume, because (a) zonah in Hebrew means “prostitute” and (b) the Talmud lists Rahab as one of the four most beautiful women to ever exist.
Also, wait, let’s keep reading that passage from the Talmud:
The Sages taught: There were four women of extraordinary beauty in the world: Sarah, and Abigail, Rahab, and Esther.
Sages [also] said: the mere mention of Rahab’s name inspires impure thoughts.
Rabbi Yitzchak says: anyone who says Rahab, Rahab immediately has a seminal emission.
Rabbi Nachman says: I say Rahab, Rahab and it does not affect me.
Rabbi Yitzchak says: OOOOOOOOOOH HERE IT COMES OK OOOOK.
Rabbi Nachman, eat your heart out: it’s time to tell this story the right way. The sexy way.
We begin our tale just east of the Jordan River, where the Israelite people are encamped and in mourning.
The Jews are on the east side of the Jordan. Moses, their leader, is dead. This is his comeuppance for some sort of sin, though it’s unclear what he did wrong—he hit a rock? Or maybe he didn't hit a different rock? After God delivers the bad news, Moses lays hands upon Joshua, does some razzle-dazzle and shows Joshua where he keeps the keys to the Ark. Then Moses marches into a cave and dies.
Joshua leads the nation in mourning, then prepares to march into the Promised Land and do a lot of murderin’ of its current inhabitants.
Who is Joshua? He was Moses' right-hand man throughout the desert years. He was a military hero, a fighter and a commander. He’s also the “four more years” candidate—the guy you get when you want Moses, but can’t because Moses is dead in a cave on Mount Nebo.
You could call Joshua unimaginative, just a watered-down poor man's Moses, but if you're in a more generous mood you might concede that this is precisely what people needed after losing Moses, Giver of the Law and Kicker of Asses. A competent military leader who is comfortable with mass murder and otherwise sort of just reiterates what the previous guy said.
Joshua dives in to his imitative task with verve. Moses gave the commandments; Joshua gives reminders. Moses built a movable ark; Joshua builds a stack of rocks. Moses split the Reed Sea and marched the people to freedom. Joshua finds a particularly shallow section of the Jordan River and gets God to, like, half-heartedly redirect the waters so that the people only get their ankles damp.
Also: Moses sent twelve spies into the Holy Land in advance of their approach. Joshua prepares to send his own spies, but just two men, and only to Jericho.
He calls the men into his quarters. I am sending you on a mission, he says. We’re going to start with Jericho, boys. I want you to infiltrate the city and report back on whether the timing is right for our attack.
Oh, just like Moses did, the spies say. We get it. Anything in particular we’re looking for?
Joshua shrugs. Whatever seems important, I guess.
With those orders in place, the spies cross the Jordan. They enter Jericho. Remember, Jericho is a walled city—they had to approach and enter through a guarded barrier. They are darting around and trying to hide behind rocks. They are doing somersaults and sneaking about. Meanwhile there is basically an 100% chance that the well-placed guards were watching them.
And, once they do enter, the first thing they see is Rahab, whose brothel is actually built into the wall. They immediately decide to go no further. Our two brilliant secret agent types spend the night with her.
The three of them together? It doesn’t say. But…it doesn’t not say that. So let’s imagine it’s the three of them, together in Rahab’s bed, when there is a knock on the door from a messenger of the King of Jericho.
Can I come in?
Of course, big guy, Rahab says.
How you doing tonight, ma’am, he says, blushing. The king says that everybody saw two Israelites enter your place of business. He says they were loudly whispering while tiptoeing into the city, and that they’re obviously spies. If you could hand those guys over, I’d sure appreciate it.
Oh, those two guys are spies? I think you could probably still catch them. They ran out just a second ago.
Would you mind if I looked around a bit?
Make yourself at home, Rahab says. Why don’t I get you something to drink?
Rahab opens up, and the Israelites are nowhere to be found. Is it because the king’s messenger doesn’t think to look on the roof, under the giant pile of flax she’s hidden them under? Or did she use her special semen-conjuring powers to distract the fellow? YOU DECIDE.
The soldier boy runs off into the descending night to chase after the two spies. Rahab goes to the roof and pulls the flax off the Israelites.
Oh my god, says one of the spies, how did you know we were under there?
Rahab rubs her temples.
Listen boys, she says, I’m going to make you a deal. Everybody’s talking about how you Circumcised Folk have a giant camp on the other side of the Jordan, about your Big Bad God and your Israelite Might. I’m going to let you two go, but on one condition—when you guys pass through Jericho, spare me. And my family. And everything I own.
They shake on it, which is to say they swear a holy oath on it, and Rahab drops a rope through her window and helps them descend down the wall. And the spies return to Joshua, only able to deliver a report on the interior of Rahab, the Jerichoan Prostitute’s apartment.
Not long after, Joshua takes his army to the outskirts of Jericho. For six straight days, they march the Ark and all the troops around Jericho’s perimeter. They make a big fuss about it too, blowing horns like madmen. The temperature is rising, violence is palpable. People are losing their goddam minds.
On the seventh day, they rise at dawn and circle the city seven times. The priests have the Ark and the horns of war are being sounded. Finally, the seventh circuit is completed and Joshua stands upon a high place and speaks.
STOP, he says, AND BE SILENT.
TODAY WE WILL KNOW THAT THE LORD IS WITH US AND HAS GIVEN UNTO US OUR ENEMIES. WE WILL SET FORTH A MIGHTY SHOUT, AND THE GREAT WALLS OF JERICHO WILL GO A TUMBLIN’ DOWN, JUST LIKE IN THAT FAMOUS SONG.
AND YOU WILL SET UPON THE CITY AND BE UTTERLY WITHOUT MERCY. NO ONE SHALL BE SPARED: MEN, WOMEN, CHILDREN; EVEN THE OX, SHEEP, AND ASS YOU WILL DESTROY. FOR OUR GOD IS TERRIBLE AND WE —
YES?
CAN’T IT WAIT?
OH, RIGHT IT’S URGENT, IS IT? MORE URGENT THAN MY PUMP-UP SPEECH?
WELL, LET’S SEE THIS URGENT INFORMATION.
…
AHEM. OK, BRIEF REVISION TO THE ABOVE. AS BEFORE, NONE WILL BE SPARED IN THE GENERAL SLAUGHTER. BUT WITH THE SINGLE EXCEPTION OF—OH, COME ON. REALLY? FINE: NOBODY IS TO HARM THE HOME OR FAMILY OR POSSESSIONS OF…RAHAB THE PROSTITUTE. SHE’S AN ISRAELITE NOW.
And just as these words left Joshua’s mouth, the people set forth a tremendous shout and the walls of Jericho collapsed. And, without a doubt, in general the shouting was inclined in the direction of bloodthirsty murder. But at least two of those shouting voices were shouting in celebration of the wily and beautiful Rahab, who anticipated the onslaught and found a way to survive.
Think About Subscribing to Viral Load!
If you don’t yet subscribe maybe now’s the time? It’s $5 a month and you’ll get PDFs of upcoming issues of The American Bystander and access to our archives which we are gradually putting behind a paywall. (Last call for Mike Gerber’s essay on Lenny Bruce before it hits the paywall!)
If you don’t want to subscribe but want to support us some other way, give us a share or get in touch. You can find my email over at the 251 submissions page.
Rehab is the ancient equivalent to Viagra.