Welcome to Bystander Bracketology
It's March Madness...fill out your bracket by March 21st! Let's fricken' gooo!!!
Happy Selection Sunday, Bystanders and basketball fans!
Since you’ve already read my inaugural sex advice column, The Foxhole, you know I’m a nerd about three things (marketing, the occult, and tapping ass). But guess what? I contain multitudes, so here’s a fourth.
Other humor magazines might assume you don’t care about sports. Other humor magazines might think you don’t remember Kris Jenkins’ buzzer-beater in 2016. Hell, The Buzzer-beater of All Time. “Bang.”
Other humor magazines might assume you don’t know all the words to One Shining Moment. And other humor magazines don’t have opinions about whether Teddy Pendergrass or Luther Vandross did it better. (It’s Vandross. I will NOT discuss Ne-Yo.)
Other humor magazine General Managers might not understand the sublime pleasure and exquisite pain that is March Madness. The research. The consulting of oracles. The interpretation of omens. The careful picking of your upsets. The hubris of “this year I’ve finally nailed it. Perfect Bracket, Perfect Life here I come. I am a college basketball God.”
Other humor magazine GMs probably don’t even have a lucky fill-out-your-bracket theme song. (It’s The Steve Miller Band’s The Joker: “I’m a picker, I’m a grinner…”)
Other humor magazine GMs might not understand the soul-crushing misery of being Bracket Busted by Thursday night. Spartans, WHY?!?! (In 2016, I had the Spartans winning it all and they stupid lost to a stupid 15 seed on the first stupid day.)
Other GMs don’t get how it feels to do the math after a total bloodbath of a tourney day, calculating how many games you have to win to come in first place. How many of your Elite Eight are left? How many of your Final Four?
And they don’t get how all of this is more fun than when you’re actually winning the damn thing, two weeks after everyone else has stopped caring.
They might not have a love-hate relationship with Gonzaga. Or a hate-hate relationship with The Tarheels. They might not have gotten misty-eyed when Coach K retired.
But here at The American Bystander we’re different. We understand you.
We know “Cinderella” isn’t just a fairy tale; it happens every year and it’s always magical.
Come join us. Fill out your bracket here. The deadline is 11:30am EST, Thursday March 21, 2024.
Password: Hoops&Humor2024
Welcome to The Big Dance. I’ll be there. Bracket: Fox Bracketology. Username: FutureMrsExJayWright.
For anyone considering joining but going "But I don't know a THING about men's college basketball," please join anyway. Trust me when I say it doesn't matter. Beginner's luck is real at The Big Dance, and it seems the more knowledge you have the harder you fall.
One Shining Moment for us bracket players...
One Whining Moment
Boy, I got ripped
Each game so far
"It figures, that's my life!"
I scream through Joe's Bar
Drink three more beers
Curse my woes
I just might go berserk
This tourney bloooooows
Now one whining moment 'cause bad breaks are mine
One whining moment - my favorite pastime
I hate this sport
It does me wrong
Hey I deserve to cry
Cause my paycheck's gone
It all seems fun
When I choose
I make my bracket bet
There's no way I'll lose
Then one whining moment - "He flopped on that drive!"
One whining moment - "No foul? Hey ref, you're blind."
And, oh, here's the worst part
My wife's in first place
Made picks not by who's best
But cuuuuute mascot face
My top seed's done
Lost by two
The player that's their best
Dribbled off his shooooe
Then my team's opponent - a bad shot let fly
Hey, whatcha know, it went through
One whining moment: "A missed dunk? God, why?"
This whining moment I'm due
Lost every last ceeeeeeeent