Gruesome Deaths We Came Up With

Read to the end for a caption contest

There will be a last dog. There will be a final horse. No species lives forever, in the end time comes for us all—squid, frog, chimp, rat and human alike.

Is there anything funny about that? That’s a question we set out to answer recently on 251 for something we’re calling Extinction Week.

By the way, our answer was “yes.”

(In fact, we thought mass expungement was so funny, we even made t-shirts. Limited edition, of course. Check our whole merch collection here, not too early to shop for Yom Kippur.)

On Monday, we started with humanity, and by “started with” I mean we chose the likeliest causes of human extinction:

Here are some more gruesome deaths we came up with:

Y3K

Dennis Rodman’s last trip to North Korea

Somebody re-animates Roy Cohn

Bad batch of Cheetos

Frogs with laser beams strapped to their heads

The simulation is over

That was from Laura, Chris, Lance, Arun, Zack, Jeff, Robert, Julien, and me.

On Tuesday the talented Jack Reilly took us into the animal world with “Extinct Animals That Had it Coming.” Frankly, I find all animal life precious and I am deeply uncomfortable with the notion that these poor creatures “had it coming.”

But like yes I do see what Jack means:

Right I get it:

OK fine I see his point:

On Wednesday, Anthony Scibelli brought us into the past with “Caring For Your Pet Woolly Mammoth.” To be clear, the mammoth is a clone. Spent so long wondering if we could sell a mammoth clone, didn’t ask if we should:

Caring for a woolly mammoth is really no different than caring for the average elephant. The key difference is its coat, which will sheds excessively and must be brushed and shampooed twice daily. Otherwise the coat develops a condition we’ve named “Mammoth Stink.”

You should go and read the whole thing.

Snap back to humanity…and murder! Zack Rhodes brought us there on Thursday:

Sadly, even the end of human life must also come to an end. On Friday we wrapped up the week with Jeff Kulik’s “Embarrassing Thoughts During the Extinction Event.” A preview:

Oh god, is that really a meteor? Gotta take a picture for, like, posterity.

With that many people dead, no way we’re going to have work tomorrow.

The petroleum could keep spewing up and destabilizing the mantle, and Ron DeSantis still wouldn’t care.

And that is it for extinction, but you can always read more on twofiftyone.net—until that sad day when even websites go the way of those poor Alberta rock swallowers.

THE AMERICAN BYSTANDER’S NEW YORKER CAPTION CONTEST

Last edition’s winner is Mr. Knows Nothing, et al. Here is his winning caption:

Congrats, Mr., et al! And to everyone, here is your new challenge. Caption this image, it’s very strange:

---

(MG here: after you’re slammed “SEND” on your exquisite, widely-relatable-yet-personal-as-a-fingerprint entry into our caption contest, do mosey over to our website and take a look at the Extinction Week t-shirts. These will only be on sale for a few weeks, so don’t wait until it’s too late. Proceeds go to us, and after we’re gone, those freaky worms that live in the vents of undersea volcanoes. The American Bystander, and, later, the worms, thank you.)