Rules of the Road
by Phil Witte
A pedestrian walking a large, well-behaved dog must yield to a pedestrian with a small, yappy dog walking in the opposite direction.
Pedestrians must yield to joggers over age 60.
Pedestrians must yield and doff their caps to joggers over age 70.
A female pedestrian approaching an attractive, shirtless, male jogger in the opposite direction must wear dark glasses while staring.
A male pedestrian approaching an attractive, female jogger in the opposite direction may stare but remain silent when the female jogger says, “Yech.”
A pedestrian approaching another pedestrian who is wearing headphones and staring at a phone may use a pea shooter to get that person’s attention.
A pedestrian passing a group of two to four teenagers walking tightly together may mutter oaths under his or her breath.
A pedestrian passing a group of more than four teenagers walking tightly together may excoriate them like an angry grandpa.
A pedestrian approaching a group of male cyclists yammering loudly about the stock market may throw rocks at them.
A group of female pedestrians over age 40 may form a book club.
A jogger wearing ankle weights must drop and do pushups when approaching a pedestrian who demands, “Give me 10!”
A pedestrian gesticulating comically while talking into a cordless microphone may be filmed with “hee-haw” donkey braying sounds dubbed in.
A pedestrian approaching another pedestrian wearing a surgical mask with teeth drawn on it may blacken one tooth with a marker.
Pedestrians pushing strollers bearing packages instead of cute babies must produce a photograph of a cute baby.
A pedestrian approaching a family with more than three children walking in the opposite direction may shrug and gesture with palms upward, to indicate “why?”
Unicyclists approaching children under age 10 must produce and juggle a minimum of four balls.
Gyroboards must be used until they burst into flames.
Skateboarders will continue to own the streets. ◊
Frequent Bystander PHIL WITTE has contributed to Private Eye, The Wall Street Journal, and many other publications.
