Pharoah Speaks Out About the Tenth Plague
by Michael Pershan
My fellow Egyptians—
Like many of us, I worry about this so-called “tenth plague.” Early indications suggest it will primarily target the firstborn. Thankfully, I am not in this high-risk group—but even those of us not at risk for the plague must be vigilant. We must take steps to protect the most vulnerable members of our society.
I mean, of course, the Israelite slaves.
There is much we don’t know about the plague, but court magicians suspect Israelites will be uniquely prone to it. The slaves live in shoddy mud huts in crowded slums. Due to their weak physical constitutions, they frequently complain about even minor ailments. And because of their belief in YHWH, they lack the protective amulets that are the backbone of the famous Egyptian healthcare system.
So this plague could hit the Israelites hard. Over the past few days, Egyptians have been obeying strict isolation orders. Israelites, on the other hand, are preparing for some sort of large family gathering involving a sheep, crackers and cheap wine. The plague will doubtless find an easy target in the Israelites at these gatherings, given their many digestive problems. Egypt is ready for the plague, but are the Israelites?
To make things worse, these Israelites are arrogant. They seem to think a bit of blood on the doorpost will keep them safe. But, as the latest magical research shows, blood on the doorpost attracts the plague, rather than repelling it. The Israelites will suffer for their superstitious beliefs. Yep, this is what you get for underinvesting in polytheism.
I’m calling for immediate action. Pharaoh’s office needs to massively ramp up their production of amulets. But amulets won’t be enough; we’ll also need trinkets. If we can get enough amulets and trinkets to protect the Israelites, we might just get through this thing.
These will be a difficult few days for all Egyptians. But don’t forget about our most vulnerable people. Because if we don’t protect them now, we might have to start imagining life in Egypt without them. ◊
MICHAEL PERSHAN is a writer living in New York City.