Now That I Can’t Go Anywhere I Don’t Feel Guilty About Not Going Anywhere
by D.J. Paris
I would love to tell you that my life has significantly changed since the stay-at-home order. I would also love to tell you that I have six-pack abs and that I’m president of MENSA. But I would be lying. And while lying has served me well over the years, I feel it’s time to come clean.
The reality is that coronavirus hasn’t changed my life at all. Not one itty bitty bit.
Let’s start with the whole going outside thing. I never did that. I mean, once in a while if there was a parade and the route went right by my place and all I had to do is step onto my porch to waive at the floats—okay, then I’d go out. Or if I needed to get cat litter, sure. I’d drive to the litter store. But mostly I stay inside. I have video games and streaming services and food delivery. That stuff alone occupies 90% of my waking hours.
What about when I want to spend time in nature? Well, that’s what windows are for! The Chicago River is right outside my apartment, and I stare at it every day. From my couch. I can even see the water surface rippling if I squint. One time I walked outside down to the riverbank to make sure I wasn’t missing anything. Nope—exactly the same. Only with mosquitos.
Even though I’ve made a comfortable life for myself throughout the years, I always felt that I should be exploring life outside these condo walls. Why am I watching the series finale of M*A*S*H for the seventh time instead of, say, visiting a museum? Actually… museums suck. Not a good example. But you understand my point. I should have been out exploring.
However, something has changed in my life since COVID-19 arrived. A significant change so profound and unexpected that I shared it with my therapist yesterday.. During my revelation Zoom froze and we got disconnected, but I’m pretty sure she heard me. I was telling her that all of my previous guilt and shame for not leaving the house has now been utterly extinguished.
Why the sudden leap in my self-esteem? Because now I’m now just like you! For the first time in my forty-three years, the rest of you bozos are just as inactive as me. And while you might be going stir-crazy, I’m content staying in. I’ve had years of training. This is my lane, and I stay in it.
I guess what I’m saying is thank you. I’m grateful to finally be normal. Well, at least until this whole thing blows over and you’re back to your regular life. That’s gonna suck for me. ◊
D.J. PARIS is a marketing guy in Chicago and writes at ThoughtsFromParis about the most interesting subject in the world—himself.
