My Worst Quarantine Pets, In Order of Purchase
by Maxx Ziegler
1. Pig. While cute, they are gluttonous animals and cannot be trusted around Funyuns.
2. Miniature Alligator. There is no such thing as a miniature alligator; only regular alligators who are currently babies. Who knew?
3. Guinea pig. Tribbles that shit. Best time to get a guinea pig? Never.
4. Bat. Got a really good deal. He was great all day, but at night, he wanted to play. And when I say "play," I mean: "land on my face."
5. Pangolin. Even better deal. Until it developed a dry cough.
6. Pony. Going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing you don’t have a “hay guy.” (I didn't.)
7. Armadillo. I once ran over an armadillo on a drive from Tampa to Connecticut. The thing bounced under my Jetta like a basketball, so I had fond memories. On the plus side, they mostly eat bugs. On the minus side, they also eat buttons.
8. Raven. Nevermore, motherfucker. On second thought: in our current climate? I say go ahead.
9. Pet Rock. Nostalgia is cheap comfort in times of uncertainty. But let me paint you a picture: your upstairs neighbor is blasting "Achy Breaky Heart" on loop and you’re starting to feel like David Koresh on a hot night in Waco. You and your pet rock sprint upstairs, kick in the door and start to perform non-elective dental surgery. Then jail—and that’s where all the COVID is.
10. Python. I just couldn't pull it off. But if you are a jacked, long-haired he-man who can play a scorching saxophone solo while shirtless and glistening with sweat under the neon lights with your fog machine conclave declaring 80’s nonsense all over your glassblock-windowed apartment... then I say go for it. ◊
MAXX ZIEGLER is an ongoing problem for the people around him.
