My Most Embarrassing Moment

Plus, an urgent message from your father. Please call as soon as you get this.

Cone of Shame, photo by Mike Kilcoyne

BY MICHAEL PERSHAN • I was at a college party, trying to impress a young woman. But with all the noise, I could only catch snippets of what she said, including her name.

Later, I struck up a conversation with another girl, introduced myself, and asked her name. “Wow, what a coincidence! I was just talking to someone else with the exact same name,” I boasted.

“That was me,” the girl said, rolling her eyes.

My face turned purple. I didn’t know what else to say.

Luckily, my roommate Josh walked by. I called Josh over. “Josh, meet Ronya. Ronya, this is Josh.”

“It’s actually Ramya,” she said, murdering me with her eyes.

I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Why are you laughing? Why exactly are you having such a hard time remembering my name?” she asked, fuming. “Would you forget if it were Jessica?”

I wanted to be unconscious, and fast.

“I think you’re exactly right about the racial angle, Ramya,” said Josh. “And not only is he insensitive, he’s also weak. Show her, Michael. Try to lift that box by the bar.”

A few people must have heard Josh and encouraged me to lift it, but of course I failed miserably.

“Wow, you really are weak,” said Ramya, now holding Josh’s hand.

“I’ve got an idea!” said Josh. “Let’s ask him your name. I bet he doesn’t remember it.”

I remembered it perfectly. “It’s Ronya.”

Everyone jeered at my error, and then made me try to lift the box again. With the entire party watching me fail to lift it, I split my pants.

It was at that very moment that I saw Josh leave with Ronya along with her twin sister Ramya.

THIS WEEK ON THE INTERNET

The reason why we call our online publication “251” is because 251 is the word limit for submissions. Why so few words? There’s a very good reason—we don’t like words. Oh god, words are the worst.

Despite how tired we are of written (and, frankly, spoken) language, we’ve actually been able to publish some fantastic stuff up on our site lately. And here it is:

• Television Mobsters End a Phone Conversation by Julien Perez

• A wordless(!) cartoon by Zack Rhodes.

Jon Savitt sent us Urgent Parent Text Messages, Translated, and it goes like this:

“Can you talk?” — I have a question about the computer.

“Call me.” — I’m planning dinner and want you to help pick the restaurant.

“You around?” — I saw some pop culture news and am confused.

“Call when you can.” — I’m at Nordstrom and saw a sweater you might like.

“Have a minute?” — I said something slightly politically incorrect and want to get your perspective.

“Let me know if you have a second to talk. Everything is okay. Love you!!” — Someone died.

Finally, Arun Durvasula has it all figured out:

SPEAKING OF BACKUP PLANS

Thank you to everyone who has supported us with a paid subscription in the last week. It’s already making a difference. And if you’re able to support us, please consider going paid.

But we need more cash. So to raise further funds, we are introducing a PERSONALS section.

Empathetic, quiet nerd (13, male) looking to work on “chemistry” with you, will check your answers while quietly smelling your hair.

Vivacious, fit, curvy blonde (96, f), long legs, no veins, youthful, active, veins gone, ravenous, seeking man who can keep up, loves to travel, needs man to oil my gears, align my antenna, not everything was replaced if you know what I mean.

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