My Daughter Thinks Santa Hates Us

And she's right. Plus updates on The American Bystander's 2023 calendar and our next issue.

I’ll do whatever you want if you please stop angry winking, oh sweet god please it’s all too much.

My daughter knows that we’re Jewish and do not celebrate Christmas. But that doesn’t mean Santa isn’t real. After all, her preschool teacher told the class that Santa exists. Her classmates said it too, plus their parents, every TV show, and half the books she brings back from the library. For my little Jewess, this leads to an inevitable conclusion: Santa exists, but passes over our home.

This has obviously been troubling her. Just the other day, over dinner, she asked: “How does Santa know to skip our house?” There was genuine curiosity in her voice, along with more than a little pain. I wanted to tell her the truth, but wasn’t sure where to start. These things can stick with a kid.

I wrote this little story for her, and any other curious little Jewish kids out there.

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BOSS ELF: …and that’s the workshop tour. Any questions?

NEW ELF: Just one.

BOSS ELF: (Chuckling.) Let me guess: How does Santa know which kids are Jewish? Follow me, I want to show you a special room.

NEW ELF: Oh…wow! Is that Rudolph?

BOSS ELF: Sure is. This is where Santa trains the reindeer to smell Jews.

(Rudolph YIPS.)