My Daughter Thinks Santa Hates Us
And she's right. Plus updates on The American Bystander's 2023 calendar and our next issue.
My daughter knows that we’re Jewish and do not celebrate Christmas. But that doesn’t mean Santa isn’t real. After all, her preschool teacher told the class that Santa exists. Her classmates said it too, plus their parents, every TV show, and half the books she brings back from the library. For my little Jewess, this leads to an inevitable conclusion: Santa exists, but passes over our home.
This has obviously been troubling her. Just the other day, over dinner, she asked: “How does Santa know to skip our house?” There was genuine curiosity in her voice, along with more than a little pain. I wanted to tell her the truth, but wasn’t sure where to start. These things can stick with a kid.
I wrote this little story for her, and any other curious little Jewish kids out there.
BOSS ELF: …and that’s the workshop tour. Any questions?
NEW ELF: Just one.
BOSS ELF: (Chuckling.) Let me guess: How does Santa know which kids are Jewish? Follow me, I want to show you a special room.
NEW ELF: Oh…wow! Is that Rudolph?
BOSS ELF: Sure is. This is where Santa trains the reindeer to smell Jews.
(Rudolph YIPS.)
BOSS ELF: Right, Rudy! The little girl you’re sniffing is 100% Hebrew. Her name is Chana and she lives on the Upper West Side.
NEW ELF: These test kids…Did you kidnap them?
BOSS ELF: Just a little. But in 48 hours—72 max—they’ll be back in their whatchacallit Jew-church for the candle-oil-day thing.
JEWISH GIRL: The flames represent spiritual survival.
(Rudolph YIPS more vigorously.)
BOSS ELF: I’m with you Rudolph, that’s boring! Little girl, have another Candy Cane. Merry Jew Christmas!
JEWISH GIRL: (Licking.) Yum.
NEW ELF: Does Santa not like Jewish boys and girls?
SANTA: Ho, ho, ho! Santa loves all the little boys and girls.
NEW ELF: Ach! Were you behind me this whole time? Anyway, it’s a relief to hear that, about the Jews.
SANTA: Yes, I love all children…but not all the little boys and girls love Santa, do they?
(Rudolph GROWLS MENACINGLY.)
SANTA: Now, Rudolph. They’re just…misguided. But we’ll get them. Because Santa is on TV. Santa is at school. Santa is everywhere, little helpers. They’ll love Santa, in the end. They all will.
NEW ELF: It’s just…I’m not sure Jews actually smell different?
(Rudolph’s nose BLINKS RED and he HOWLS.)
BOSS ELF: Wait a sec! That’s no elf-trainee! That’s a Jewish test-boy trying to escape! Guards, tase him! Good boy, Rudolph.
(Rudolph YIPS happily.)
My daughter is still speaking to me. I think that means she liked it!
And if you needed further proof that there is a Santa-based conspiracy at the heart of our culture, look no further than the new A.I. chatbots that are causing discussion.
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