I have gained eight pounds since March because I do not own an exercise bike. It is definitely not because I have been binge-watching “The Circle” while munching on Dutch Babies.
I do not use the road bike I already own because I have too much anxiety about leaving home (and also it’s hard to ride a road bike while binge-watching “The Circle”).
I do not use the treadmill I already own because it really works better as a clothes rack. Clothing does not drape well on an exercise bike. Plus, I now change my clothing only on laundry day.
If I get an exercise bike, my downstairs neighbor will find the steady whirring of the flywheel calming. We don’t need a repeat of that whole Dance Dance Revolution situation.
I must buy an exercise bike with a multi-media device holder so I can raise my heart rate and read about my state’s death rates at the same time.
$2400 might seem like a lot of money to spend on two wheels with a heart monitor, but why else would the government have sent me a check to split the cost?
By ordering my exercise bike online, I am not endangering the health of a low-wage delivery worker. Compelling him to carry a 70-pound box to my door will keep him active and fit.
If I set up my exercise bike next to my bed, my dreams will be filled with attractive spinning instructors cheering me on instead of angry rolls of toilet paper chasing me down hospital corridors.
By posting my exercise bike workout scores on Facebook, I am keeping up with the Joneses without contracting Coronavirus (which all four Joneses came down with in April).
If I unplug my exercise bike and move it behind my TV, it does not mean I have given up. It means I am taking care of my psychological health. Plus, I just took another Dutch Baby out of the oven. ◊
SHERYL ZOHN is a writer based in Los Angeles. She is the co-host of the humorous podcast series “Who’s Next Door.”