The Foxhole #2: Does size matter?

I heard you paint houses...

According to Pennsylvania State Law—look it up—every fledgling sex column must address the following question: 

This question comes from a perpetually juvenile mind and the anxiety of being of Irish descent in a cold climate, but really: Does size matter? Are women really ever caught in the dilemma of “Both these guys are so nice and charming, but his dick is unnaturally huge”? And what is the most common answer to that dilemma?

(Hi Laura. Just thought I’d ask this if you needed a little help to get the advice column off the ground. I am indeed Irish, and I am indeed native to a cold climate, but I am way too old to worry about this question. Much, anyway.)

–The Irishman

Dear Irishman, 

Yes…and no.

QUESTION ANSWERED! Thanks for reading!!!!

I know that men fret over this, so let’s unpack it in full. Just speaking as myself, for myself—I’ve always thought obsessing over penis size was silly. It’s a drag to be with someone who feels inadequate—always inaccurately, btw—even if he doesn’t want constant reassurance. But there’s nothing worse than a man who has a massive one and thinks “my work here is done.” There’s so much more to sex. (Also, my god, the chafing. I had a friend once admit to me that she spent every interlude with her horse-hung lover mentally willing all the moisture in her body DOWN.)

Does it matter? Let me flip this on you: Have you ever had to choose between two equally wonderful women, and wifed up the one whose box was unnaturally tight?

If you say “Oh yeah, obviously,” I’m going to hiss at you.

If you hang around here and keep reading week after week (as you WILL) you’re going to hear a couple of refrains: