1. "Gee, you smell great. Is that Purell?"

2.  "People call me the Toilet Paper King." 

3. "I've always adored a man in nitrile gloves." 

4. "My brother's working on the vaccine." 

5. "I haven't left my apartment since Christmas. You could practically eat off me." 

6. "Oh, nothing exciting—I'm the CFO of a ventilator company." 

7. [whisper] “ I’ve got Ativan.”

8. "You have beautiful eyes. I'll bet your nose and mouth are pretty, too."

DAVID GALEF is a writer and teacher living in Montclair, NJ, with an abundance of caution.