🚨 Confidential Dispatch: The American Bystander’s Great Escape 🚨

I need to keep this brief. The walls have ears, and the algorithms have... uh, whatever they have. Microchips? Whatever. The point is, they’re listening.

Here’s the what: As you may have heard through the grapevine, the rumor mill, my daily emails or just casual eavesdropping in a dingy speakeasy—big changes are afoot. The kind of changes that require careful planning, coded messages, and a few allies.

Now, while we can’t go into detail (you know terms of service, polite society, a strongly worded letter we received from a man who calls himself “The Overseer”), we’ll just say this: It’s time to stretch our legs a bit. To build a little place on the internet where independent comedy can thrive without bending the knee.

And you (yes, you!) are invited to join us.

So, we’re launching a sale. One last sale. A big one. A glorious, unmissable, hey-look-over-here kind of sale.

For just $25, you’ll get:

• A Digital Subscription to The American Bystander. That's right, every new issue, as hot off the presses as you can get when something’s entirely made of ones and zeroes.

• A Year of Online Access. That’s all the in-between posts, archival digging, and obscure, brilliant satire you can handle.

Here’s the catch: The sale ends at 11:59 p.m. on March 31st. After that, the price goes back to normal (at our new digs, no less) and you’ll have to cough up the usual subscription fee like everyone else.

Why the sale, you ask? Simple. We want as many of you to make it over to our new hideout—I mean, platform—as possible. And if a ridiculously good deal is what it takes to get you there, so be it.

And if you’re still wondering what’s really going on, well, let’s just say we’ve never been much for playing nice with The Algorithm. Because satire is meant to be a little unruly—and definitely not optimized for ads.

So, there you have it. The American Bystander is moving to greener pastures. And we’d be delighted if you’d join us for the ride.

We’ll see you on the other side. Unless they catch us first.