Are You Ready For Some Football?
Only if it’s over by, like 8:30 at the LATEST
Yahoo just sent me some mail: “Ready to play fantasy football?”
This just shows how little Yahoo knows me. OF COURSE I am ready to play fantasy football. If nine of you are, too, we’ll start a league—email me. The fantasy baseball league, Ye Olde Bystandere League, is going fine, which is to say: there have been no murders.
So: not only am I ready to play fantasy football, I’m damn near ready to play the real thing. After all, in 2017 a 55-year-old played Division I college, and I’m only 54! I might loiter around the Rams training camp to, y’know, see what happens next.
•. • •
ANNOUNCER: Second and four from the twenty-seven. Hand off to Johnson, tries the left side.
Still trying.
Does anybody see my coffee?
Still trying.
The referee blows the play dead. Was there a flag, Phil?
COLOR MAN: No, Jim, everybody was just winded.
ANNOUNCER: Johnson is slow getting up...He’s motioning to the bench.
COLOR MAN: Low blood sugar. The trainer’s bringing out a Werther’s.
ANNOUNCER: He better suck quickly, with 1:57 left. Still knotted at zero.
COLOR: You know, Johnson reminds me a little of Ickey Woods.
ANNOUNCER: From the 80s…
COLOR: Oh God no. From last week. He’s really well for himself.
ANNOUNCER: You could say that about the entire Bengals offense. What they’ve lost in speed and flexibility is more than made up by judgment and experience.
COLOR: Goodell was a genius to do it. ‘Fifty and up,’ he said. Concussed, not concussed, who can tell? And the fans love it. Gives ‘em a sense of possibility.
ANNOUNCER: And you can always run the game at 1.5x if you want the old excitement.
COLOR: There’s the occasional slip-and-fall, but these middle-aged players, they appreciate it more.
ANNOUNCER: On third and six, you’d expect a pass to the tight end, but his gout flared just after halftime…Darger stands up behind center, just to stretch his back a little…He goes back to pass, and fires a two-yard completion to Gilbert. Gilbert rumbles forward in the ensuing confusion, and it’s first and ten at the 21!
COLOR: That was six feet of frozen rope.
ANNOUNCER: And this 59-year-old rookie wideout is amazing. His near-vision is shot, so he listens for the pass to get close, then just grabs.
COLOR: I had an old dog like that. He’s dead now.
ANNOUNCER: Late flag. This game has turned really chippy.
COLOR: Well, yeah. It was supposed to be over by four, five at the latest. Everybody’s starving.
REFERREE: Defense number 57, insinuating erectile dysfunction.
COLOR: Jarvarious has been chirping all game. You think they’d be mature, but…
ANNOUNCER: A really costly penalty. They’re right on the red line, where the kicker can reach the uprights without invalidating his waiver. The field goal unit is coming on…
COLOR: Still could be tough. Darcy was questionable all week with sciatica.
ANNOUNCER: The Ravens are going to make Darcy really think about those shooting pains in his hips, thighs and buttocks.
COLOR: These guys are gladiators, Jim. Like, 2000 years old.
ANNOUNCER: This bathroom break is sponsored by zurfastrinil, proven to reverse BPH in less than half the time of conventional treatment. You tried that stuff?
COLOR: I should get some. The last movie I saw all the way through was Pretty in Pink.
ANNOUNCER: Cincy lines up for the field goal. Ten seconds left…Winner goes to the playoffs, loser goes to the dermatologist–
COLOR: These bright stadium lights, melanoma’s nothing to–oh, what the heck is this? Get off the field you jerk, we wanna go eat dinner!
ANNOUNCER: We can’t show you what’s going on, but there’s a fan on the field. He’s taken the ball. He’s shirtless, just running around, doing figure-eights. A few players are chasing him.
COLOR: Don’t hurt yourself, guys.
ANNOUNCER: The fan has just drop-kicked the ball through the uprights. Now he’s running up to all the players and stealing their towels. He’s snapping them with them.
COLOR: I’m all for high spirits, but this is totally disrespectful.
ANNOUNCER: All I can say is: oh my achin’ nuts.
Fantasy Football for me means Premier League Football (from the UK). I've been constructing and deconstructing my team for weeks now! Really can't wait for it all to start and for my season long depression to kick in!
It hurts because it’s true.