A Message from Trump's CDC
by Jessica Ziegler
Things that MIGHT treat the coronavirus:
Swallowing 4 AAA batteries
Shining a laser pointer directly into your eye
Shoving a Flaming Hot Cheeto up each nostril (really cram it in there)
Several "Coronabombs": a shot of gasoline dropped in a Bud Light, chugged
Soaking in the fresh tears of local Democrats
Slathering yourself in a slurry of Softscrub and coconut oil, then sitting in direct sunlight for 6-7 hours
A jalapeno slice taped to each nipple
Actual ants in your pants. And by pants I mean underwear, and by ants I mean fire ants.
Listerine eye wash
Why not try it? I mean, what have you got to lose? I'll say it again… whathaveyougottolose?? Try it. If you want. — The CDC.
JESSICA ZIEGLER is an unrepentant bozo and occasional humorist/illustrator living in Denver.
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